I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
