So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
