Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
