You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
