My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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