my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
