oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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