So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
