I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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