dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
