I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
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I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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