my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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