How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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