Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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