After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
