i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize