How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
