No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
