Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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