she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
