I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
