I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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