wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
