If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
