i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
