but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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