I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
