Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Randomize
