Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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