let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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