just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
