i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
