1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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