My friends, they love my intelligence
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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