As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
