If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
