i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hippo gnu deer
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
