There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
