Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Drunk is a universal language darling
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
