I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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