Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
