I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
