Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
