put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
