3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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