she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
