i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
