so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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