How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
