I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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