My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
did i just pee glitter
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
