it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
