I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
