Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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