i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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