i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
