At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
