I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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