I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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