If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
