i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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