saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
