i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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