oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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