just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
